


Inside the Hush

by Ornament_of_Rhyme



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: M/M, Neil's got a crush, Todd gets a clue, voyeuristic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-06 19:17:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12217242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ornament_of_Rhyme/pseuds/Ornament_of_Rhyme
Summary: Todd wakes, and something shifts.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is dedicated to trialraces, who encouraged the last two chapters into existence. Thanks again, friend.

Todd slipped into wakefulness as smoothly as if he had never fallen asleep. He blinked up at the slanted ceiling, which was shrouded in shadows. All thought was a murmur, an undercurrent to the cottony feeling of drowsiness padding his brain.  
  
Then, from somewhere to his left piped a sound, followed by another. With it came a small spike in his attention. Looking toward the source, the current situation became startlingly apparent.  
  
The moonlight from outside the window always cast itself over Neil's bed like an extra sheet, and it was this that allowed Todd so much visual now. Beneath Neil's blanket, his hand moved rhythmically, and its purpose was clear.  
  
Todd watched. Some part of him begged to roll over and feign sleep, insisted that this was intrusive, but it did so in vain. His best friend was masturbating not five feet from him, and he couldn't look away. Even if he had, his ears would not have been able to tune out the shallow and fevered breathing coming from the other side of the room.  
  
With heart stopping abruptness, Neil's head turned so he was facing Todd, his expression finally free from the greedy shadows. Todd's breath froze in his lungs, terrified that he'd been caught, but Neil's eyes were closed.  
  
Every line that ever dared touch Neil's face was gone, leaving behind only its gentle openness. The way his brows and lips were tipped; the breathy sounds he made; the arch of his neck and bounce of his Adam's apple; it all added up to an image of pure exaltation. It set about an ache in his heart, and a stirring between his legs.  
  
The brunette's lips opened, and a moan fell from them, unbidden. He immediately seemed to regret his recklessness. He bit his mouth shut and turned back to the ceiling. Todd could hear his breathing pick up as his hand's movements became uneven.  
  
Even his sealed lips could not contain his sounds of ecstasy. Small, incomplete moans demanded they be heard anyway.  
  
Soon his mouth gave in, letting Neil's lips part. The moans popped from him like tiny sparks, and Todd tried to gather up every one of them for the sake of memory. No matter that this was not normal; he only thought about catching every detail of this moment. Shame could come later.  
  
Something changed in Neil then. He seemed to slow down, before—

" _Nn. T—_ " He choked on the word, and everything went silent but for the creak of his mattress at the shiver which wracked his body. Then his breath trembled from him in a thin stream. Todd's did much the same through his nose, which sounded too loud in his ears.  
  
Neil must not have heard, however. He simply laid there, lax, for a minute, then rolled out of bed. As soon as Todd saw this, his eyes slammed shut. He didn't know what he was feeling, and he didn't understand what Neil was thinking, but he knew that he was not prepared to face any of it just then.  
  
Neil's socks could be heard padding across the floorboards. He left the room for a short time and returned just as quietly.  
  
Todd's muscles stiffened uncomfortably as those footsteps detoured in his direction.  
  
Suddenly, a single, feather-light touch hushed across the fan of the blonde's lashes. In his surprise, Todd's eyes flew open.  
  
Neil looked back, his own eyes blown wide and mouth agape. Jerking his arm away, he gawked for an instant longer, and retreated to his bed.  
  
"Sorry. There was a fly," was all the brunette said before he tucked under the covers and rolled over. "Night."  
  
Todd couldn't make himself respond. He gaped at Neil's back, and then at the ceiling.  
  
It felt like there were all sorts of hot chemicals mixing in his chest. He lay awake enthralled with the sensation.

 


	2. Chapter 2

"Geez."  
  
"Aw, good one, Knoxious."  
  
Instead of shooting Charlie a glare, Knox stood from his seat on Todd's bed, looking woefully between the soaked bedding and his soggy pant leg. Then he sent that same expression to Todd.  
  
"Sorry, Todd," he said.  
  
Todd floundered. It may have been Knox who spilled the juice, he thought, but would Todd get punished for it anyway? He hated crossing Hager's path.  
  
"That's what you get for bringing a drink into the dormitory," Meeks told Knox, who sighed.  
  
Neil pushed away from his perch on the radiator. "Here. Knox, go change. I'll tell Hager."  
  
Charlie added, "Hey, strip the bed before it soaks into the mattress."  
  
In the end, however, it was no use. The juice bled through every layer of blanket and sheet, right down into the mattress. Charlie must have seen Todd's disappointment because he clapped Todd on the back and said, "Don't worry. They keep spares in storage."  
  
That was when Knox reappeared, wearing his pajamas.  
  
He spotted the damp red stain on the dingy bed. "Geez, Todd, I'm real sorry."  
  
They waited a few minutes for Hager to come in and assess the situation. The man enlisted the help of Pitts and Knox to move the soiled mattress down the hall to dry under the stained glass window there. He informed Todd that a replacement would have to wait until morning, when the storage garage could be accessed.  
  
That left Todd on the floor for the night. He was given a stack of clean blankets to divide between the use for warmth, and as padding against the hardwood floor.  
  
When everyone finally dispersed on the tail of goodnights, Todd changed and began setting up his temporary bed. He folded the blankets meant for padding so that it covered more of the floor than necessary, allowing for the inevitable tossing and turning he would be doing that night. Fortunately, tomorrow was the Sabbath, and he had no classes or other obligations to rise early for.  
  
"Try not to hold it against him," Neil said from back by his clothes cabinet. "Everyone thinks they can get away with bringing in drinks once or twice."  
  
"I'm not."  
  
Neil clapped Todd's shoulder on his way to his bed. The rest of the lights were out, save for the reading lamp mounted on the head of Neil's bed.  
  
"Why don't you take my bed tonight?" said the brunette.  
  
Todd shook his head as he unfurled the last quilt. "Thanks, but I'll be fine."  
  
"I don't suppose I can change your mind?"  
  
Todd just gave a half-smile.  
  
For a quiet moment, Neil watched him work. Then, once Todd got under his covers, the brunette clicked off his lamp, whipped his own blanket from the bed, and dropped it and his pillow on the floor beside his roommate.  
  
"What are you doing?" Todd levered himself up on his elbow.  
  
"It doesn't seem right to sleep on a bed when you have to sleep on the floor," he said. There was enough room on the mattress of blankets that Neil could rather easily lay there as well.  
  
"It's fine, Neil. Really."  
  
Todd's insistence went ignored as Neil stretched out at his side. He turned his head on his pillow, giving the blonde a self-satisfied look.  
  
Todd scoffed. "You're so..."  
  
The other boy raised a brow.  
  
"Neil."  
  
"That's not a proper description of anything!" Neil's laughter coaxed out Todd's own.  
  
The blonde hunkered down again, under the growing warmth of the quilts. "Trust me, it sums you up very well."

Getting comfortable took some time for the two, as it seemed they were adjusting limbs every few seconds, but eventually Todd managed to forget the collection of small discomforts when he saw the moon.

From his spot on the floor he could see the white, radiant sphere, and even the endless dappling of stars, through the frost and fog lining each window pane. He thought, fleetingly, it was a sight worthy of a poem.

Neil caught his gaze. “Mm? Oh, hey.” He shifted so he wasn't straining his neck to see. “It's like you can see the whole sky from here.”

Todd hummed. “Stand on the desk, lay on the floor...”

He caught on with a smile. “Just as long as you're looking at things differently.”

Moonlight leeched all the color from Neil's pale pink skin, leaving behind a sallow, doll-like glaze. It took away his freckles, hollowed out his cheeks in some angles; it just didn't look right. And he never would have noticed were it not for that night, a week or two back now, when Todd woke to find Neil touching himself. That was the first time Todd regarded Neil from a different angle—not literally, but in a way that kindled a steady glow of embers in his heart. It had him appreciating more about his friend, from the subtleties of his appearance to that of his warm and welcoming presence.

Todd caught himself staring before Neil could, as Neil fell asleep quickly. Upon realizing this, the blonde rolled over, trying to forget how close they were. Sleep overtook him shortly thereafter.

 

_ϟ ϟ ϟ_

  
Despite the pervasive winter chill and the capricious radiator, Todd woke remarkably warm. It was still night, said the sky, so he made to shift to his other side and alleviate the slight soreness the floor spread through his body. That was when his position made itself known.

The heat which limned his back and crossed over his front was not wholly his own. Neil was pressed up against him, with an arm thrown over Todd's chest that held him in place. He could feel Neil's forehead against the back curve of his neck. His hot breath puffed through the blonde's shirt.

He only briefly marveled at this before he became aware of the hardness and movement against his rear. Neil's hips twitched sporadically, like they wanted nothing more than to rock into him, to alleviate the erection he was so clearly sporting.

“Neil?” Todd squeaked, but received no response.

Neil continued moving against him, whimpering against his spine.

“Neil?” he tried again. Neil only jerked against him and let out a soft gasp.

He hated himself for the heat welling in his groin; Neil was asleep. This wasn't meant for him. However, unlike the first time he caught Neil getting off, Todd couldn't escape this by closing his eyes. If he moved too much, Neil would wake, and who knew how he would react to knowing Todd bore witness to this act. Todd couldn't stand the idea of a strain being put on their relationship. But if he just lay there and let it happen, what did that mean for Todd?

It was too hard to consider any appropriate reaction, he thought, he could scarcely think straight! His best friend was all over him, and it was downright _hot._ This was the stuff of fantasy, something he only allowed himself to imagine when he was alone in the showers, rare as it was.

God, he was hard.

Something changed in Neil, then. He pulled Todd against him in a vice grip and let out a sob as he dragged his clothed cock along the blonde's crease. As he came, he made a noise—small, yet crystal clear, but which Todd insisted on attributing to incoherence and wishful thinking.

He froze when it became apparent Neil was starting to stir. His eyes slammed shut and he tried to let out even breaths though his mouth. The latter seemed impossible.

Suddenly, the solid heat at his back ripped itself away, leaving him exposed to the chilly air.

“Shit. _Shit_ ,” Neil chanted in a harsh whisper that made his voice crack.

And Todd just lay there, glad he was already facing away so his trembling eyelids and the tent in his pants couldn't be detected.

Just as before, Neil got up, rifled around in his cabinet, and then left the room on light feet. Todd opened his eyes and stared blindly into the darkness of his underbed.

That sound, what Neil gasped as he came, played over and over in the blonde's head like a broken record.

“ _Todd—”_

“ _Todd—“_

“ _Todd—”_

“ _Todd—”_

He thought he could come from that sound alone.

Neil returned all too soon. After dropping by his cabinet again, he stopped at the foot of their makeshift bed, and just stood there.

After a time of stillness, Neil shifted on his feet.

“Todd?” he asked.

Only then did the blonde realize his eyes were still wide open. He twisted around to look at the other.

“Did I wake you?” The way this was asked, Todd could hear the trepidation in Neil's voice.

“No,” he lied, but he wanted to take it back. He could barely believe it, but he didn't want to keep this to himself.

He expected Neil to retreat to his actual bed with an excuse of some kind, but instead the brunette got back under the covers on the floor. The tense silence remained.

Something finally snapped in Todd. He shut out the fearful warnings in his brain and rolled over.

Neil, whose back was to Todd, looked over his shoulder as if on instinct.

Tongue leading the charge before he could overthink it, he asked quietly, “Who do you think about?” He had to hear it. Neil had to give it to him on purpose. Eaves-dropping was never going to be good enough.

Those dark brown eyes looked at him in panic. “Um.” He cleared his throat and shifted to his back. “Sorry. About that. It's just this actress I like.”

Todd nodded. Even knowing it was a lie, he tried to accept the answer.

And still he said, “Named Todd?”

“Jesus.” Neil threw an arm over his eyes. “God. Please, just forget it ever happened.”  
  
"I can't."

“ _Please.”_

“I don't want to.”  
  
Neil's voice broke again as he said, "Todd, I can't lose you over this."  
  
Todd sat up, looking down over the other boy who was trying to disappear behind his arm. "I've heard you, before. A-and ever since it's all I can think about. I'm so lost, I can't believe any of you haven't noticed. It's crazy, Neil, but you're all I think about."

This made the brunette drop his arm away, revealing incomprehension. “What are you saying?”  
  
“I'm saying that—I'm saying—“ Todd grasped for the right words, but they were too evasive. He settled on, "I don't want you to think about anyone else."  
  
Now Neil looked at him in astonishment. “You're not kidding.”

Leaning in, Todd's eyes connected with Neil's, trying to convey his sincerity. Neil seemed to understand, because he didn't pull away, even when Todd's intentions became clear.

It wasn't until their noses brushed that it occurred to Todd that he didn't know how to kiss. There was no turning back now, he decided, so he settled on dropping a chaste kiss on the corner of Neil's mouth.

Of course, as his luck would have it, all of his typical anxiety flowed back into him as soon as it was over. Todd tried to put more space between them, but he was stopped by Neil's hand coming around to cradle the back of his head.

“You can't regret this,” Neil said. Todd nodded mutely, and let himself to be pulled back in for another kiss. This one was longer, but Neil led the way.

Before long, they were lying down, sharing Neil's pillow and air.

“I've gotta be dreaming,” Neil said. “I never get the things I really want.”

Todd laughed, perhaps a little high on it all.

“I'm serious. God, Todd, you're incredible.”

“Look in a mirror,” the blonde said, wry.

At a slight shift of Neil's leg, Todd went rigid. The other boy caught on easily enough, and repeated the movement.

“Neil, stop.” Todd had been trying to will his erection away, but the prolonged physical contact wasn't doing him any favors.

“Let me help you.” Neil sounded so eager, he couldn't say no. Neil rolled them so the blonde was lying beneath him. He loomed above with a gleam in his eye, and they each drank in the sight of the other. The flush in Neil's cheeks took away much of the porcelain doll sheen which plagued him earlier.

“I won't have to imagine anymore,” Neil practically purred. His hand slipped beneath the hem of Todd's shirt, fingering the smooth skin there. They shared another kiss, this one heated and drawn out until they were hungry for any touch. Fingers knitted together beside Todd's head, while their free hands roved.

Todd's hips seemed to take on a life of their own, grinding against the thigh positioned between his legs.

Neil hummed and broke the kiss. “Sorry. Your lips are distracting.”

“Please, Neil—“ He didn't know what exactly he was pleading for, but he was desperate for it.

“Shh. It's okay, it's okay. I've got you.” Pecking one last kiss to Todd's mouth, Neil moved down his body.

Understanding the intent, Todd surged to his elbows. “No, you don't have to.”

He received a look that said just how little that changed Neil's mind. The brunette went on to pull down Todd's waistband until his cock sprung free.

From his angle, Todd could only see Neil's lashes as he regarded Todd's erection, making it impossible to tell what he was thinking.

As if they knew where his thoughts were headed, those eyes darted up to meet Todd's, then held there as Neil licked a stripe up his length. Startled, Todd couldn't net his pleasured groan before it escaped his mouth. He barely managed to stay on his elbows, but for the firm desire to watch Neil's movements.

As if to soothe him, Neil ran a hand along the outside of Todd's thigh. “Not too loud,” he reminded.

Todd could scarcely gather the willpower to nod. He was too invested in watching Neil take his cock in hand and lick the tip, drawing another helpless sound from the blonde. Again, Neil watched Todd as he did this.

“I don't—I've never done this,” Neil told him, “So if I do something wrong, you've gotta tell me.”

“I promise. Please don't stop.”

Neil snickered. “Yes, sir.”

After a few more teasing licks, Neil braved taking the tip into his mouth, sealing his lips around the head and giving an experimental suck that finally collapsed the blonde.

“Oh god.”

Neil released him in a hurry. “Are you alright?”

Through careful touch, Todd's hand found its way into his soft brown hair. All he could do was brush his fingers through it and breathe, _“Neil.”_

It seemed to be enough. Neil returned to what he was doing with gusto. Todd had to resort to biting his wrist to muffle the mindless noises which wanted to escape.

Soon they found a rhythm, but some part of his mind was sober enough to notice Neil grinding against his leg. It didn't seem fair just then, so he guided Neil back up his body and into a fervent kiss. Their hips found each other effortlessly, with Neil's pajama pants adding extra friction between their cocks.

While the wet heat of Neil's mouth was heavenly, the rutting was intoxicating in its own special way as they worked together to find their pace. They traded kisses and soft sounds of ecstasy like secrets.

But then there came a true secret. “Please let his be real,” whispered Neil.

When Todd came then, it felt like every ounce of him was steeped in some kind of magic. Such euphoria seemed unreal.

“Todd?”

Finding himself, Todd focused on Neil hovering over him, looking concerned. All movement had ceased.

Words escaped the blonde. To take their place, he pulled Neil closer by the base of his skull and pressed their foreheads together. Neil brushed Todd's nose with his before capturing his lips again.

Slowly, Todd's brain fit itself back together and he remembered that Neil had yet to come. He reached down between them in search of the other boy's cock. Though Neil returned Todd's earlier sentiment about not having to do it, Todd _wanted_ to. It was an awkward angle, limiting motility, but he made his best effort once he grasped the brunette's shaft. It was made significantly easier when Neil took over the movement, rocking into Todd's fist.

It didn't take long for him to come as well, mouth open against Todd's ear as he let out a sweet little noise that the blonde certainly wouldn't be forgetting any time soon.

Todd held him when he buckled under the drain of energy, carding his fingers through the finer hairs at his nape. Strong, wiry arms slid beneath his shoulders, winding comfortingly around Todd and giving a gentle squeeze.

“I really care about you, Todd.” His breath was hot against the blonde's jaw.

“You, too, Neil.”

It seemed enough for the time being. They stayed like that well until sleep was creeping back in. Before it could take over, however, Neil reluctantly got to his knees.

"There goes the last of my clean pajama pants," he sighed.  
  
Todd blinked up at him sluggishly. "You can wear a pair of mine." That earned him a bright grin and a peck on the lips. “Bottom drawer,” he added as an afterthought.

The shuffling of cloth and feet met his ears before he heard the door open and click shut. Things started fading in the quiet after that, edging him nearer to sleep.

But suddenly the door clicked again, perking his ears, and then a warm cloth wiped over his exposed stomach and groin, leaving behind a wet tingle. His waistband was moved back in place, and the blankets settled over him again.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, mouth lazy though the word was heartfelt.

Neil slipped in beside him with a soft laugh. He pushed back Todd's bangs so he could graze his lips over the skin there.

He settled against Todd easily enough—curling into the places unfilled, while Todd melted against him.

“You're not just my best friend, you know,” Neil said low; a barely-there confession, but Todd definitely heard it.

He must have made that comment aloud, because Neil laughed again, saying, “I hoped you would.”

“You're my best friend,” Todd remarked, surprising even himself, “and you're also the only person who makes my chest feel like this.”

“Like what?”

He wasn't sure that it would make sense, but he answered anyway, to the best of his ability. “Light, but also like there's these... chemicals mixing in my chest. I don't know. It's like every time I think about you they slosh around and react all over again.”

“I guess we're on the same page, then.”

That was everything Todd remembered from that night, sleep having successfully overwhelmed him at last.


	3. Chapter 3

One would think that having the senior rec room all to themselves would make it easy to snag the attention of one another, but apparently that was too much to hope for.  
  


"Neil." Charlie snapped his fingers at the teen. At last he was snared, and he pulled away from the chemistry textbook he was working in.  
  


"Huh?"  
  


Charlie leaned his hip against Meeks' chair. "Greetings, space cadet. Your ears on?"  
  


Pitts laughed from the fold of his arms on the table.  
  


Brows furrowing, Neil slipped off his reading glasses. "Seems so. What's the matter?"  
  


"I need to find a poem for the meeting when Todd gets back," he said. "Can I borrow Five Centuries?"  
  


"Uh. Yeah, sure. It's in my desk." Dismissing him, the glasses returned to their perch on his nose, and said nose tipped back into the book.  
  


Charlie threw a baffled look at Meeks, who only shrugged. That brainy devil knew something about the funk Neil had been in lately, Charlie was certain, but of course Meeks kept secrets better than a steel safe.  
  


That left Charlie to connect the dots on his own, since no one else had any guess what was up with Neil. It definitely had to do with Todd, that much was obvious, but why such an overreaction still remained a mystery. Todd had only been gone a little over a week, away at some fancy award ceremony for his brother. Knox had suggested that perhaps it was the fact that Todd had been delayed an extra day, but Charlie had seen this change in behavior days before they got that message.  
  


For the time being, Charlie let it go. He wanted to find a lighthearted poem to read for Todd, knowing the kid would need a pick-me-up upon his return. (By now all of them knew that anything to do with his brother put him in a state.) With a "be right back", he set out on his mission.  
  


As he lifted the poetry book from Neil's desk drawer, two stacks of folded paper it had been holding in place toppled over in a wave. Neil's name was neatly scrawled over the front of half, while the others were blank.  
  


The unassuming nature of their outsides, Charlie soon discovered, did not do the contents justice.  
  


ϟ ϟ ϟ  
  


"Neil Perry, you swain." Immediately upon returning to the rec room, Charlie slapped the stack of papers onto the table.  
  


"What's that?" Pitts asked.  
  


"It's poetry," answered Charlie, beaming. "Love poetry. Given and received by our Neil. Received, anyway. You've got to send these, pal."  
  


"What the hell, Charlie?" Neil looked aghast between his friend and the love notes. He tried to corral them toward himself. "Where did you get these?"  
  


The other boy held up Five Centuries of Verse. "They were in the way."  
  


Before Neil could respond, the door creaked open and a familiar head of blonde hair poked in.  
  


"Hey, look who it is! Come join us," Meeks said first. Todd smiled at the welcome and slipped into the room.  
  


Charlie, Pitts, and Neil greeted him just as casually. Neil seemed to inflate at the sight of him.  
  


"You look rested," Meeks commented, earning some of Todd's usual awkwardness.  
  


"Yeah," said the blonde. He took the seat across from Neil. "If there's anything I get from time with my family, it's sleep."  
  


Charlie dropped into the empty chair beside Todd. "How was the party? Sneak any champagne?"  
  


This earned him a shy yet gratified smile.  
  


"We have a hellion in our midst!"  
  


The boy chuckled. "My aunt practically poured it down my throat!"  
  


"Excuses, excuses," teased Meeks.  
  


Grinning, the actor among them crossed his arms over his textbook. "So what kept you?" he asked Todd. Like a switch had been flipped, it seemed Neil's inner light returned with the blonde.  
  


"We missed our train."  
  


"I hate taking the train," groused Pitts.  
  


A look of horror dawned on Neil's face as Todd picked up one of the love notes. "What are these?" he asked. He started reading, and his brows shot up.  
  


"Our Neil's got a girl," Charlie told him with pride.  
  


The blonde's eyes flicked up to Neil.  
  


"It's nothing. I mean, it is, but it's—" Neil's chair scraped backward across the carpet as he stood and set about gathering up the collection of notes. "Look, can we all just agree to forget this ever happened?"  
  


Meeks and Pitts concurred easily enough, but Charlie still had some curiosity.  
  


He kicked his foot up on the chair across from him, saying, "You haven't even told us about her! C'mon, Neil, you know we date vicariously through each other."  
  


"She's thoughtful, and beautiful, and very important to me," Neil snapped, stuffing the notes in his chemistry book before bagging it and heading for the door.  
  


Todd, startled and still holding a poem, watched Neil go.  
  


Charlie took up a pencil and rolled it between his fingers. "I don't know what his deal is. Those were letters to and from his girl, so it's not like it's one-sided."  
  


"Maybe they broke up and he's still sore about it," offered Pitts, sitting up from his slouch.  
  


While Charlie began to chew on this, Todd got to his feet.  
  


"I need to unpack," he said simply.  
  


They let him go with an offhanded, "See you at dinner."

  
ϟ ϟ ϟ  
  


As Todd entered their bedroom, he did so slowly, uncertain. Neil was busy stashing away the papers in his desk drawer. When he finally noticed the blonde he did a double take.  
  


Avoiding Todd's gaze, Neil opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.  
  


"I'm glad I'm home," Todd said eventually.  
  


This seemed to jolt the other into motion. He shut the drawer and closed the space between them.  
  


"So much for a warm welcome, huh?" Neil said, the words drenched in self-deprecation. His eyes still evading contact, he ran a hand along Todd's arm.  
  


Looking down at the note still in his grasp, Todd ventured, "What's so bad about them?"  
  


Neil retracted his arm to gesture at the page. "They're terrible! Compared to yours, they're junk. They may as well have been written by a child." He laughed, but it was hollow.  
  


"No—Neil. This is perfect." Todd unfolded the note again to see the poem inside. "You wrote this for me?"  
  


"Of course, dummy. Who else would I write that stuff for?"  
  


Shrugging, Todd looked up and caught Neil's eyes. "Can I read the rest of them?"  
  


"They're really not, um, any good," he said with a half-hearted laugh. "At all."  
  


"Well, can I decide that?"

 

Neil shifted. After an uncomfortably long pause, he retreated to his desk. Stiltedly, he said, “You should unpack before dinner.”

 

Blinking rapidly, Todd nodded, though Neil couldn't see.

 

In tense silence, they went about their own business. The only sound came from the sweep of Neil's page turns and the wood on wood scrape of Todd's drawers.

 

Todd felt like he was choking on their discomfort. This was not how he imagined his return would go. They were supposed to hang out with the other Poets, or hole themselves up in their bedroom and catch up on what they missed—preferably in one of their beds, swathed in blankets and the protective presence of the other.

 

He could feel everything crowding in on him, weighing down on his shoulders like a laden yoke. It could not simply be attributed to this sudden distance between them, but also to the emotional toll of the week away. Try as he may, the latter refused to fade into the background, even for a short time.

 

As he thought this, he could feel his throat closing up, and his eyes burning, but no tears fell. He refused to allow it here.

 

It was a wrestle to control this, but finally, like an act of otherworldly mercy, the dinner bell clanged.

 

Neil got to his feet, pulling on a sweater before going to the door. When Todd didn't follow him out, he poked his head back in.

 

“Are you coming?”

 

Todd very intentionally kept his eyes on his suitcase. He hoped Neil didn't notice the faintest tint of huskiness in his voice as he replied, “Actually, I want to take a shower before everyone else comes in.”

 

This was an idea he previously entertained late at night on the train home, as he imagined what his first night back at Welton would look like. It was forgotten easily enough, lost in the fantasy of reuniting with Neil and their friends, but in this moment he embraced it like a lifeline.

 

“Ah. Beat the herd,” Neil agreed awkwardly. “Well, I'll bring something back for you.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

After a stretch of hesitance, Neil left.

 

ϟ ϟ ϟ

 

The shower in the far left corner, Todd had decided around mid-November, was the best one. Or, at the very least, it was his personal preference. The tile wall had fewer chips, the soap dish was recessed, unlike the others (saving him from many horrible head or elbow clashes with the thing), and the drain wasn't right underfoot. He hated the feeling of standing on a grate, even one as small as these.

 

So this was the shower he choose now. His clothes and towel folded on the long bench by the lockers, he padded across the floor and turned on the shower with a _squeeeak_ of the knobs.

 

Frigid water melted until it was lukewarm. Even that was enough to heat his bones, giving him some form of comfort as he buckled under the weight of his emotions. He didn't think there were tears, but when he dunted his forehead against the tile a single hiccup wrenched itself from his chest. He swallowed down the ones which wished to follow.

 

He tried to focus only on the sensation of the water slithering down his scalp, but it was fruitless. Malicious thoughts took jabs at him left and right, forcing him deeper into their spiteful grasp.

 

But suddenly he was ripped from his mind with a startled jump. A wiry arm curled low over his stomach, pulling him back into a warm body.

 

“It's just me,” came Neil's voice. He could feel the rumble of it from the other boy's chest.

 

Todd turned in his hold. Neil was as naked as he, and looked equally troubled.

 

“Um.” Todd tried to swallow the emotional clog in his throat, but when it wouldn't budge, he continued anyway. “To be honest, I'm not in the mood for... you know.”

 

Neil brought around his other arm, completely encircling Todd's waist. “I just want to be with you,” he murmured.

 

As if it was all he needed to hear, Todd melted against Neil, returning the embrace. Neil buried his head in the crook of the blonde's neck.

 

Slowly, so as not to slip, Todd backed them up so Neil could share the shower spray. Like a silent thank you, Neil's hold tightened.

 

They stood like that for some time, taking solace in one another. Somewhere along the line, one of Todd's hands rose to pet the hair on the back of Neil's head.

 

Eventually, Neil pulled away from the blonde's neck. He tried to look Todd in the face, but the water forced him to squint against it. Todd chuckled, turning just enough that the water was assaulting their shoulders instead.

 

“You seemed so sad,” Neil commented, brushing Todd's wet bangs away from his eyes. “It wasn't just me, was it?”

 

“No.” Todd wanted to curl back into him, but said, “This week was terrible.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“Same thing that always happens,” he said dryly. “Everyone loves my brother. They all want me to be like him, but no one believes it'll happen. It's like... I don't matter,” he said for the first time. It felt like a revelation, but only wrought dismay. “I'm completely unnecessary.”

 

“What are you talking about?” Neil seemed just as distraught by the words. “You matter. You matter to all of us. Me, the guys, Keating. And—and there will be more people in the future.”

 

“W-well you don't know that. Who knows what anyone thinks about me? Probably nothing at all.”

 

“By that logic, you have no room to suggest anyone _doesn't_ care about you,” Neil said.

 

Todd didn't fire back, but it was obvious his mind wasn't changed. Neil had to wonder if it could be changed.

 

Still, he said, “I can tell you for certain that _I_ care about you, Todd.”

 

This brought up Todd's gaze to meet his.

 

“And you can't deny that,” he added. “I'm the only one who can tell you how I feel.”

 

He was given a sad but touched smile by the boy in his arms. Before he could do it himself, Todd closed the gap between their lips, instigating their first kiss since his return. It did much for loosening the knots in their stomachs.

 

A series of kisses followed, each heavier than than the last. They reached a passionate peak when Neil's touch wandered lower and took handfuls of Todd's rear. He had to be reminded that they were in a communal shower, and though Neil only answered with a lopsided grin, he did behave. The water was cooling anyway, forcing them to pull apart so Todd could finish washing, but that didn't separate them much.

 

Although he told Neil he didn't have to stick around, Neil had none of it. He offered to help wash Todd's body, but was rebuffed with a truly happy laugh from the boy.

 

However, he was allowed to help shampoo Todd's hair, which was enough for him. With Todd's eyes closed against the threat of soap, he couldn't see Neil's sporadic kisses coming. They broke down in giggles when one poorly timed kiss ended with them spitting out bubbles.

 

Even the rinsing process was riddled with long, watery kisses, as if they were making up for lost time. But at last the water ran cold and their bodies were stirring, so they dried and changed and slipped back into their bedroom. Dinner was nearly over, and they weren't keen on running into nosy dormmates.

 

“We should do that more often,” Neil said, tossing his towel over the bar at the foot of his bed.

 

Todd looked over from where he was toweling his hair. “Someone would walk in on us eventually.”

 

Neil made a face. “Then I guess we'll just have to get a shower of our own to play in.”

 

A flush welled in Todd's cheeks at the insinuation, and it touched Neil's face as well, but he didn't laugh it off or take it back.

 

Verbal response evaded Todd, but his blush must have been enough because Neil smirked before rounding on his desk. Draping the towel over his shoulders, Todd tended to the last few garments in his suitcase, putting them away and storing the case under his bed.

 

When he turned around, a mundane question on his tongue, Neil was there waiting. His hands were full with the poems from earlier. “I want you to read these.”

 

Thrown by the abrupt change, Todd stammered, “Are you sure? I—I mean—”

 

“I want you to understand how much you mean to me,” Neil said, tense but determined.

 

“O-okay.” Todd sat on his bed, and Neil transferred the messy pile on to the blanket before him.

 

“Thanks to Charlie, they're all mixed together,” Neil muttered, but the ire faded when he caught the sweetly pleased look on Todd's face as he took in the spread. It left the brunette a tad dazed.

 

After a few seconds of shifting through, Todd blurted, “You kept the ones I wrote.”

 

Unsure what to do with himself, Neil settled for slipping into the space behind Todd so he could rest against him.

 

“They're from you,” was his explanation.

 

A while passed, with Todd reading and Neil reveling in his presence. He tried not to read over Todd's shoulder for fear of cringing hard enough to tear a muscle, but this was difficult to keep up when the blonde seemed so beguiled. It made him long to know which phrases his little mindless sounds were a reaction to.

 

Instead of this, he took to combing his fingers through Todd's damp hair, getting lost in the thickness and repetition.  
  
"I read them every day you were gone," Neil admitted. It was so quiet, he didn't think Todd would hear it. He wasn't sure whether he would have preferred that, but it did feel good to get it off his chest. The poems Todd wrote to him were his prized possessions. Which, he supposed, he ought to be hiding better, if Charlie found them so easily.

 

Todd had gone still, he noticed suddenly. He tried to peer at the side of Todd's face, but his eyes slipped to the note in the blonde's hand. It was difficult not to read it, considering the deceptively simple trio of words written inside.

 

“ _I love you,”_ it read.

 

“...I forgot about that one.”

 

Todd was painfully silent for a horrifying length of time, during which Neil contemplated the many outrageous outs and lies he could conjure up to wave away the note and its worth.

 

But then Todd asked quietly, “Neil, can I keep this?”

 

“Yes. Of course!” Relief abundant, Neil wrapped his arms around Todd's waist. “Take all of them. They're yours.”

 

A chilly hand came up to cover one of Neil's, lacing their fingers together. “Thank you.”

 

Dropping a kiss on the back of his neck, the brunette added, “Now you can't doubt that you're important to someone.”

 

Todd huffed. He made the effort to sort the papers into piles of his and Neil's, then got to his feet, took the stack of poems and notes Neil wrote him, and hid them away in his closet. Taking inspiration, Neil did much the same with his own pile.

 

Satisfied with the new hiding spot at the back of his underwear drawer, he intended to dive in bed and curl up under the blankets. His feet always felt doubly cold after showers.

 

Todd was perched on his desk chair, hunched over and scribbling away. This was not unusual these days, as the more poetry they read, the more inspiration he seemed to find, and the Poets had been meeting bi-weekly for the last several weeks.

 

Just as Neil was comfortable beneath his blanket, head half buried in his pillow—well, Todd's pillow, which he had swiped while Todd was away—the mattress sank beside him. He opened one eye to watch Todd, who held out a folded page with Neil's name scrawled over the front.

 

Eagerly, Neil sat up and accepted the note, sending a grin to his friend. He opened it up; inside in a more careful version of Todd's usual scratch, it read,

 

“ _No mix of words can express how much I love you, but they can remind you of its vast existence. Consider this a reminder.”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, though never enough, thanks to trialraces for the encouragement.


End file.
